@meganamram

Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph

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@FatherWithTwins

4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!

@Jenniferf42

If I got a dollar, for every time I think of you. I might start thinking of you.

@glenna_opt

she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street

@MaybePileJokes

friend: how did the neck surgery go?

me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.

@Robert_Beau

The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.

@Donna_McCoy

Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?

@junejuly12

After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.

@KingsnorthAP

Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic

@AbbyHasIssues

Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.

Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.

@BlindChow

[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call