@meganamram

Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph

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@crissymilazzo

yesterday i gave my dog a middle part. have not read one single word of a book

@SnarkyMommy78

My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.

@JTQuest

Men think of arguments as single isolated events. Women, in my experience, think of them as installments in some sort of perpetual continuum

@KKAlThani

*Knocks on door*
Hey open up. You didn’t reply to my last 43 texts & then you tweeted about a guy who keeps annoying you. You need help?

@MelvinofYork

My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”

@OctopusCaveman

Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter

Theist: I can believe it

Agnostic: Just eat the toast

@lisaxy424

My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.

@TheTimeIGotHigh

“A cop pulled me over came up to the window and said, i smell marijuana… i said, i smell bacon… yeah i was that high lol”

@daemonic3

JESUS: I shall turn water to wine

JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle

JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal