Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph

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4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!


If I got a dollar, for every time I think of you. I might start thinking of you.


she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street


friend: how did the neck surgery go?

me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.


The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.


Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?


After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.


Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic


Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.

Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.


[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call