yesterday i gave my dog a middle part. have not read one single word of a book
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
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My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Men think of arguments as single isolated events. Women, in my experience, think of them as installments in some sort of perpetual continuum
*Knocks on door*
Hey open up. You didn’t reply to my last 43 texts & then you tweeted about a guy who keeps annoying you. You need help?
My sensitive toothpaste can’t stop crying.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
“A cop pulled me over came up to the window and said, i smell marijuana… i said, i smell bacon… yeah i was that high lol”
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal