Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
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Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.