Being a DJ is tough because sometimes iTunes won’t open.
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i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw orgies.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”