Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
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why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?