A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
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I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.