What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
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My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits