Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
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A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
scrabbled eggs
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no