Education is vital
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Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”