Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
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She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
prepare for carbonated trouble
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Breaking news:
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
notice
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.