Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
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Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)