*approaches man sitting at the bar
Me: would you like to dance
Me: that’s great because I need to sit down
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
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Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
This year I’m going to put the mistletoe in my back pocket, so people I hate can kiss my ass.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
I am not an alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink, I already have one.