EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you

EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast

EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off

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Let me be clear, I chase no one!!!

*5 min later. Chasing the ice cream truck down the street


Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.


Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?

He replied….chicken.

Thank god he is good looking.


Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!


Um, guys, whaddya do with a 5 y.o. at an aquarium who’s hysterical because she sees Dory in a tank and I kind of need to know right now.


“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.


Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders

My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub


If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.


My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.