@theguywitheyes

EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you

EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast

EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off

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@MissNaughty1801

*approaches man sitting at the bar
Me: would you like to dance
Him: yeah!
Me: that’s great because I need to sit down

@Social_Mime

Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.

@fuzzypantaloons

I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!

The dog came third.

@BenjyHimmel

*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*

@That_Damn_Duck

I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.

@Kids_kubed

I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries

@ExtraGrumpyCat

This year I’m going to put the mistletoe in my back pocket, so people I hate can kiss my ass.

@Rivs01

I can’t believe I used to talk to people.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.

Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.