FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
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Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.
Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
I dont care what women say, size matters in bed.
The bigger the bed the more room you have to move around.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
Me:I need to focus on work
Brain: Remember that sweet song on the radio this morning?
Me:Yeah that was sweet
Brain: Let’s sing that instead