@Browtweaten

Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up

Me: I said I was sorry

Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*

You Might Also Like

@bobvulfov

FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom

@heyitsJudeD

Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?

Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?

@JanelSantaCruz

Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.

@weinerdog4life

Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.

@HiddleDeeDee

Going to a wedding today:

Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.

Clearly I have work to do with the little one.

@squirrel74wkgn

Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.

@iGreenMonk

I dont care what women say, size matters in bed.

The bigger the bed the more room you have to move around.

@Rollinintheseat

Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”

*20 minutes later*

Me: “No.”

@iLightbulb

Me:I need to focus on work
Brain: Remember that sweet song on the radio this morning?
Me:Yeah that was sweet
Brain: Let’s sing that instead