Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up

Me: I said I was sorry

Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*

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Darwin is a genius. Just realized I’m attracted to women in glasses because I’m more likely to reproduce with a woman who can’t see me well.


ME: *tells joke*

WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school


ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th


Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.


It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.


Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.


To be clear…putting your entire fist in your mouth should be a party trick saved for after Uncle Barry leaves


There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…

They just pick up a shovel and started digging.


Doctor: Are you a danger to yourself or others?
Me: You mean I have to pick one?


“I should probably start filling this thing out.”

-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.


Guys at work are always like “why are your shorts so short?” Then I spin kick an inch away from their face with such precision and they know