@Browtweaten

Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up

Me: I said I was sorry

Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*

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@MichaelTrying

Darwin is a genius. Just realized I’m attracted to women in glasses because I’m more likely to reproduce with a woman who can’t see me well.

@TheHyyyype

ME: *tells joke*

WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school

[later]

ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th

@TheBoydP

Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.

@CVTBaby

It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.

@HatfieldAnne

Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.

@Pirate_nurse

To be clear…putting your entire fist in your mouth should be a party trick saved for after Uncle Barry leaves

@Cyd10e

There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…

They just pick up a shovel and started digging.

@TheHappySquirrl

Doctor: Are you a danger to yourself or others?
Me: You mean I have to pick one?

@Marlebean

“I should probably start filling this thing out.”

-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.

@LeviathanPride

Guys at work are always like “why are your shorts so short?” Then I spin kick an inch away from their face with such precision and they know