Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
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If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.