Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
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Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
This January has 47 Mondays
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.