@prufrockluvsong

Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime

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@CovertAgentP

Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.

@GingerHotDish

Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?

Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.

@FrogAvalanche

News Anchor: Our correspondent at the scene had this to say.
*cut to correspondent*
Correspondent: This.

@Cpin42

Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.

@dorsalstream

Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”

@EastKentTom

Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?

@ninjadinosaur1

Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.

@justinshanes

I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”

@pilau

I shot him. I shot him three times. From far away. He tried to get up and I just shot him again.

– my 5 year old talking about Mario Kart

@wesleybordelon

Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.