Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Egg drop soup
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
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Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
News Anchor: Our correspondent at the scene had this to say.
*cut to correspondent*
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
I shot him. I shot him three times. From far away. He tried to get up and I just shot him again.
– my 5 year old talking about Mario Kart
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.