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@prufrockluvsong: Egg drop soup
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
@ChewedOnBoobs: Me: [plunging toilet] "Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!"
7yo: "I don't even wipe so I'm out of this."
@NewDadNotes: God: 100% you are a mammal.
God: but also you lay eggs and are totally poisonous.
God: look man, one of the Angels said it couldn’t be done.
Angel: I said it shouldn’t be done!
@novicefather: her: I have this weird fantasy where my man shaves me while I sleep
her: *wakes up with no eyebrows
@electrolemon: aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that's lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can't afford this
@donni: Shout out to people who block me cuz it hurts their feelings I occasionally fav them without following. You can also just ask me to stop :/