Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
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Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice