I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
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Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
My son does this cute thing where he installs games on my phone and then for weeks I get notifications that my village is under attack.