@deadstick_ron

[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.

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@danjan13

I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?

@ThugRaccoons

Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet

@Jamberee13

I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.

@sofarrsogud

YOGA CLASS

INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog

*loud thud

GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.

@tastefactory

VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things

@Rollinintheseat

Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”

Me: “I was born three months premature.”

@Rica_Bee

me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting

me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now

@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?

@LifeUnPinterest

HIM: Why is this sticky?

ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth

@shawn_spree

My son does this cute thing where he installs games on my phone and then for weeks I get notifications that my village is under attack.