[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
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You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.