Eggs are just drums you can only play once
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I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body