The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
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Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.