@SirEviscerate

*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*

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@ClichedOut

cop: did u see the speed limit sign

me: of course

cop:

me: but not u

@Jeff_G_Nixon

GOD: look what I created [points to clouds]
ANGEL: what am I lookin at?
GOD: Is it a bunny? A man face? It’s up to you!
ANGEL: are you high?

@spies_please

CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions

@Home_Halfway

ME: Are you sure you’re my Uber driver

GIANT HAWK CARRYING ME AWAY: *various hawk noises*

@novicefather

*writes employment history on arm

*writes professional references on thigh

*writes email address on neck

*adds “resume” to resume

@Darlainky

Him: This fish is too fishy.

Me: How’s your water? Too wet?

@petemandik

Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.

@ItsAndyRyan

I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.