*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
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cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
me: but not u
GOD: look what I created [points to clouds]
ANGEL: what am I lookin at?
GOD: Is it a bunny? A man face? It’s up to you!
ANGEL: are you high?
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
ME: Are you sure you’re my Uber driver
GIANT HAWK CARRYING ME AWAY: *various hawk noises*
Me: I love your hair.
Her: Thanks. Can I have it back, please?
*writes employment history on arm
*writes professional references on thigh
*writes email address on neck
*adds “resume” to resume
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.