*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*

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cop: did u see the speed limit sign

me: of course


me: but not u


GOD: look what I created [points to clouds]
ANGEL: what am I lookin at?
GOD: Is it a bunny? A man face? It’s up to you!
ANGEL: are you high?


CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions


ME: Are you sure you’re my Uber driver

GIANT HAWK CARRYING ME AWAY: *various hawk noises*


*writes employment history on arm

*writes professional references on thigh

*writes email address on neck

*adds “resume” to resume


Him: This fish is too fishy.

Me: How’s your water? Too wet?


Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.


I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.