EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
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ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried