Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
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*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Tuesday
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.