Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
You Might Also Like
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Scream sneezers need love too.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.