I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
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The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.