@TheMichaelRock: Recipes sound good until you realize that you don't have $846 worth of spices in your house.

@mattZillaaaa: So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor's home & then taking a nap

@FatherWithTwins: Me: Wow, 5k followers Wife: Is your top tweet still something I said? Me: Ya Wife: Then aren't they really MY followers? Me: *drinks heavily

@JPHaddadio: Don't you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?

@Mr_Kapowski: "Don't tell me how to raise my cat!," I yell at my 7 y/o daughter who's chastising me for baby birding a tuna sandwich into my cat's mouth