@Chonfucius

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@Hadzilla

Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?

@DWaitress

You’re right, sir. It’s MY fault that your credit card was declined. Please, tell me again how much money you have in that account.

@markydoodoo

THERAPIST: what brings you in today?

ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.

THERAPIST: *starts to cry*

@PharmerRPh

Of all the bands named after handicapped jungle animals, Def Leppard is my favorite.

@sozjalltheway

So, It’s not ok to write “always best to have a spare incase you break the first one” on facebook, when someone announces a second pregnancy

@ManiacallySound

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because no body liked you in high school, and then you caught me speeding.

@MoneypennyNaked

20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris

@thagr8short1

I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.

@GroovyTasia

Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed

Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?