Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
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You’re right, sir. It’s MY fault that your credit card was declined. Please, tell me again how much money you have in that account.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Of all the bands named after handicapped jungle animals, Def Leppard is my favorite.
So, It’s not ok to write “always best to have a spare incase you break the first one” on facebook, when someone announces a second pregnancy
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because no body liked you in high school, and then you caught me speeding.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Sitting here cooking up some meh.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?