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reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after


I lovingly caress my belly.

“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.

I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.


My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday


Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled


You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.


True Story: A guy at the supermarket walked up to me today and asked me if I was on twitter. I said no.
If you’re reading this, I lied.


There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.