
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
You’re right, sir. It’s MY fault that your credit card was declined. Please, tell me again how much money you have in that account.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Of all the bands named after handicapped jungle animals, Def Leppard is my favorite.
So, It’s not ok to write “always best to have a spare incase you break the first one” on facebook, when someone announces a second pregnancy
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because no body liked you in high school, and then you caught me speeding.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Sitting here cooking up some meh.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?