Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@KeetPotato

reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after

@batkaren

I lovingly caress my belly.

“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.

I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.

@FatherWithTwins

My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday

@OtherDanOBrien

Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled

@wittwitbarista

You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.

@Bakari_Sellers

Dear Apple,

No one uses the word “ducking”. No one.

Thank you!

@BeCoco77

True Story: A guy at the supermarket walked up to me today and asked me if I was on twitter. I said no.
If you’re reading this, I lied.

@catstronomical

Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock

@UncleDuke1969

There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.