[eharmony] based on your responses, your perfect match is a trashcan..
[me] aww
[eharmony] ..full of raccoons
[me] omg I love raccoons

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Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl


*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right


I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.


Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?


[in a burning building]

Johnny Depp: Use my scarves to climb down


JD: [transforms into a raven and flies away]


It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.


I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.


Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa


Bartender: What’ll It be?

Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.


Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.