Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
[eharmony] based on your responses, your perfect match is a trashcan..
[eharmony] ..full of raccoons
[me] omg I love raccoons
You Might Also Like
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
[in a burning building]
Johnny Depp: Use my scarves to climb down
Me: WHERE DID YOU COME F..
JD: [transforms into a raven and flies away]
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.