Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”

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I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.


Me: Cleaning the basement.

12yo boy: Let me know if u need help.

13yo girl: Let me know when you’re done.

Yep…throwing out HER crap.


Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.


A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.


Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.


Reasons to carry a handkerchief:

3) You’ve never heard of tissues

2) You’re doing a magic trick

1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train


It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.


I’d to make a few comments about my late wife. We have plenty of time since she won’t be here for at least an hour.