I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
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Me: Cleaning the basement.
12yo boy: Let me know if u need help.
13yo girl: Let me know when you’re done.
Yep…throwing out HER crap.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
signing a lease tomorrow
I’d to make a few comments about my late wife. We have plenty of time since she won’t be here for at least an hour.