Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
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What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
what’s really going on
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.