“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
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A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.