Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.

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Don’t forget to check your kid’s candy. Found a toothbrush in my nephew’s Halloween candy last year. Real psychos out there.


Imagine if people still used typewriters!

We’d have to sit in a giant circle and throw pieces of paper at each other.


If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good


The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.


My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.


Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.


I joined a Cold War reenactment group. We just sit around and act nervous about the USSR.


Me (to stock boy): Tell the manager there’s a mess in Aisle 6

*Manager arrives*

Me: I really appreciate this, I’ve just been really lonel-


Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.


Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”