@reczit

Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.

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@sonictyrant

me: hear me out. 100 washers & 100 nuts, but only 99 bolts

ikea ceo: i freakin love it

@JeremyKCMO

‘I’m sure it’s just water,’ I mumble as I sit down on the gas station toilet.

@HannahAntics

I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.

@writeden

Me: Hear me out. Blood is thicker than water, right? But so is mustard.

Surgeon: How did you get in here

@RobDenBleyker

I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.

@rolldiggity

Throw a pizza down a manhole. Wait five minutes. Throw a grenade down. You just killed the Ninja Turtles.

@BuckyIsotope

“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you