Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.

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me: hear me out. 100 washers & 100 nuts, but only 99 bolts

ikea ceo: i freakin love it


‘I’m sure it’s just water,’ I mumble as I sit down on the gas station toilet.


I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.


Me: Hear me out. Blood is thicker than water, right? But so is mustard.

Surgeon: How did you get in here


I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.


Throw a pizza down a manhole. Wait five minutes. Throw a grenade down. You just killed the Ninja Turtles.


“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you