@reczit

Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.

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@thatUPSdude

Don’t forget to check your kid’s candy. Found a toothbrush in my nephew’s Halloween candy last year. Real psychos out there.

@Ghetto_Trophy

Imagine if people still used typewriters!

We’d have to sit in a giant circle and throw pieces of paper at each other.

@prufrockluvsong

If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good

@LittlestSlobo

The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.

@LeiaMarieG

My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.

@Kyle_Lippert

Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.

@bencoffeehall

I joined a Cold War reenactment group. We just sit around and act nervous about the USSR.

@liv_thatsme

Me (to stock boy): Tell the manager there’s a mess in Aisle 6

*Manager arrives*

Me: I really appreciate this, I’ve just been really lonel-

@TheTweetOfGod

Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.

@toomanycommas3

Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”