@reczit: Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don't want to share their pizza with anyone.
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@AbbyHasIssues: Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world. Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
@geowizzacist: 3 (calls out): daddy I'm cleaning the floor with a mob. Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that's a mob
@DomesticGoddss: Mom Math: If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?