Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.

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When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.


My parents and teachers told me I could be whatever I wanted to be but I’m 28 years old now and I’m still not a crime-fighting mermaid 🙁


Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”

Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”

Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”


This guy told me that playing the voilin is the best way to calm you down.

I bet he never tried smashing it over someone’s head.


Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row


It’s called a runway. But you taxi there. In a plane. Go home English, you’re drunk.


He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.


date: i love mussels

me: i hate working out

date: i mean from the sea

me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman


male coworker: how’s it hanging?

me: loose and to the left


me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?

him: not a chance


my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that