@reczit

Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.

You Might Also Like

@heyitsJudeD

When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.

@torrami

My parents and teachers told me I could be whatever I wanted to be but I’m 28 years old now and I’m still not a crime-fighting mermaid 🙁

@Parkerlawyer

Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”

Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”

Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”

@iGreenMonk

This guy told me that playing the voilin is the best way to calm you down.

I bet he never tried smashing it over someone’s head.

@ToxicProbably

Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row

@kunalrao

It’s called a runway. But you taxi there. In a plane. Go home English, you’re drunk.

@RandomAntics

He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.

@kieransofar

date: i love mussels

me: i hate working out

date: i mean from the sea

me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman

@junejuly12

male coworker: how’s it hanging?

me: loose and to the left

him:

me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?

him: not a chance

@TheHyyyype

my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that