Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
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My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁