Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
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me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Ugh
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.