OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
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[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
lol these ppl “don’t see race” right up until you start making beloved fictional characters black, then they’re 18th century anthropologists
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Son: Why are we doing this?
Mom: Because it’s a traditional teenage event you kids still deserve to have
Daughter: Well I’m mortified
Dad: *From the turntables* Whassup Mortified, I’m DJ Dad and welcome to HOME SCHOOL PROM!
You have 3 meals a day?
Are you a millionaire or an inmate?
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Sorry I swung from your chandeliers
It will happen again
You: “Nice glasses.”
Me: “Thanks. They’d look better on your nightstand.”