@Brianhopecomedy

Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.

You Might Also Like

@DVSblast

OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.

@AndyAsAdjective

[watching The Avengers]

7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?

ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies

@theshrillest

lol these ppl “don’t see race” right up until you start making beloved fictional characters black, then they’re 18th century anthropologists

@chrisdowning

Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.

@Browtweaten

Son: Why are we doing this?

Mom: Because it’s a traditional teenage event you kids still deserve to have

Daughter: Well I’m mortified

Dad: *From the turntables* Whassup Mortified, I’m DJ Dad and welcome to HOME SCHOOL PROM!

@T_Bonezzz_

Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.

Plus, I’m 35

@AmishPornStar1

Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.

@gabydunn

You: “Nice glasses.”
Me: “Thanks. They’d look better on your nightstand.”