Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
You Might Also Like
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her: