@Brianhopecomedy

Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.

Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.

- @Brianhopecomedy

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@BadMikeyBad

I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start

@nettie0918

My boss just informed me its unprofessional to tell customers congratulations when they call in to change last name due to divorce.

@sarcasticmommy4

My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.

Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.

@TheAlexNevil

I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.

@lisaxy424

I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.

@Jen_says_nah

Texts friend: sorry, I’m running late.

Friend: no problem, let me know when you’re on your way.

[ 6 weeks later]
Ok I’ve left.

@DaddyJew

Boss: go to hell

Me: so stay? or leave? I’m confused

@pilau

man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot

me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake

man: and her body has been stolen

me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take

man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin

me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake

@Playing_Dad

The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles