Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
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News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.