[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
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did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am