Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
You Might Also Like
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
😂😂😂
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line