@rolldiggity

Either the kids on my street were playing with sidewalk chalk, or this is a crime scene and a bunch of stars and cats just got murdered.

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@Ty_Schutz

I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.

@Sarcasticsapien

People at the gym in January who dress like they’re obsessed with working out won’t be there by, probably the end of this sentence.

@chashmaswag

My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.

@professorkiosk

Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.

Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.

Me: I said handstandwich!

@BlairLoudly

I’ve easily spent 12% of my life chuckling at my own jokes and being grossed out by my own body. Also, I like random percentages.

@SCbchbum

My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.

@MsSkaarsgard

Wives all up in arms about their husband’s leaving or cheating and I’m all, hush now sweetie, SEE THE GIFT YOU’RE BEING GIVEN.

@beefman138

Why would you ask me for directions?

You just saw me walk into a closed door.

@Molly_Kats

The second I get shampoo in my eyes, I’m 100% sure there’s a murderer in my bathroom.

@gramnoc

Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn