Either the kids on my street were playing with sidewalk chalk, or this is a crime scene and a bunch of stars and cats just got murdered.

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I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.


People at the gym in January who dress like they’re obsessed with working out won’t be there by, probably the end of this sentence.


My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.


Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.

Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.

Me: I said handstandwich!


I’ve easily spent 12% of my life chuckling at my own jokes and being grossed out by my own body. Also, I like random percentages.


My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.


Wives all up in arms about their husband’s leaving or cheating and I’m all, hush now sweetie, SEE THE GIFT YOU’RE BEING GIVEN.


Why would you ask me for directions?

You just saw me walk into a closed door.


The second I get shampoo in my eyes, I’m 100% sure there’s a murderer in my bathroom.


Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn