Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
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My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
My patience has stretch marks.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”