Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.

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Friend: excited for your date?

Me: no I just found out what we do at the end

Friend: kiss?

Me: *thinking about tipping* math


gf: why are you wearing your jar jar binks outfit that’s just for special occasions

me: *gets down on one knee*

gf: omg

me: *crying* will yousa marry meesa


I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.


When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.


Being a software engineer is pretty cool because I can just stare at my screen/zone out & if anybody questions me I say I’m optimizing code


I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.


If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.


11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back


I’m not a violent person. I just really enjoy assisting people in falling down.


[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]

“Stop hurting that octopus!”