Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
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How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father