Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
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me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
man i love columbo
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
being a writer on Twitter:
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Good dog. ❤️
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
🍞🦆
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.