El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
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Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.