Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
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handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Breaking news:
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Don’t touch that.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword