[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
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Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary