[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
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My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
True.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.