ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
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Erm I’m gonna say no
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.