Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
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*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
My teenage children choosing violence
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Noah
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
i actually laughed 😩
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!