[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
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You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Time for evil
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying