ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
You Might Also Like
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Potatoes were such a good idea
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Meow?
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here