@TheToddWilliams

ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you

LION: I just have one of those familiar faces

ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with

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@MarfSalvador

Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!

Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?

@jonnysun

*jesus givs u bread*
this is my body
*jesus givs u wine*
this is my blood
*jesus puts ur hand in soggy noodles*
and these r my BRAAAINS ooOO

@8bitf0x

do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy

@LaLuchaNix

Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.

Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.

@PaulGibson1963

The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.

@CMHorrocks

These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.

@ANNIEwayyyy

“Sorry, I forgot to pay attention. But yeah, I have no idea where we are now. There definitely shouldn’t be cows.”

~me giving directions

@fro_vo

Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too

@CanadianPitbull

Apparently “mowing the lawn” means two completely different things to my wife and I

@kibblesmith

Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.