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@BangMyBongo

Good cop: Just relax

Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail

@OINKimmaPIG

Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?

@jdforshort

If flying by the seat of your pants was so easy, do you think I would still be dealing with morning traffic to get to work?

@ericsshadow

At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.

@hand_jive

Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.

@Home_Halfway

RACCOON: I haven’t been feeling so good lately

DOCTOR: We’ll let’s see. Have you been staying up all night?

RACCOON: Yes

DOCTOR: What have you been eating?

RACCOON: Garbage

DOCTOR: Well you’re doing all the right things

@K_Chapacabra

Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.

@AllyBallyBeal

Do not mess with bears. You’ll be their victim. Yogi Bear wears clothes. Where did he get his clothes? That’s right – a victim