My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
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My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Spring cleaning checklist…
May have had one breakfast too many
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.