Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?

God: peanuts

Elephant: what?

God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*


God: all of them

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I thought I might be pregnant.

It turns out I’m just three months fat.



1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie


I’m not really a ‘walk of shame’ kind of girl. Im more of a ‘put it back in my nightstand drawer when I’m finished & roll over’ kind of girl


I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.


*Brings a dozen unsliced bagels to a knife fight*

“Hey, a little help here?”


Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.


I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.


A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus


Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?

*Looks up from phone*

No idea


I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.