Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
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Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Breaking news:
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
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I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark