I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
God: all of them
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TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
I’m not really a ‘walk of shame’ kind of girl. Im more of a ‘put it back in my nightstand drawer when I’m finished & roll over’ kind of girl
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
*Brings a dozen unsliced bagels to a knife fight*
“Hey, a little help here?”
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.