@CharmandBrains *Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
@PleaseBeGneiss Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
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@CharmandBrains 
@donnalburt The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
@megankcomedy I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
@1Happytwit I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
@BarryVonAwesome Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
@Weird_Rash Free hugs*
* having me let go will cost $10
@dmc1138 When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
@sentientbomb My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
@ElliotHetherton me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
@Sophie2078 Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors