@PleaseBeGneiss

Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?

God: peanuts

Elephant: what?

God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*

Elephant:

God: all of them

You Might Also Like

@CharmandBrains

*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*

*Buys Magic 8 Ball*

*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.

@donnalburt

The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.

@megankcomedy

I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.

@1Happytwit

I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.

@BarryVonAwesome

Do you know who REALLY gets irony?

Skydiving schools.

Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!

*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*

@dmc1138

When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.

@sentientbomb

My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.

Little does she know, her father is the prank master

Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.

@ElliotHetherton

me: my pasta salad is cold

waiter: it’s meant to be

me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first

@Sophie2078

Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors