Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
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If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.